I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
