I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
