I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
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I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
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How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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