i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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