I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
