i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
Randomize
