your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
