Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
Randomize
