I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
