I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
