i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
