just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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