I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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