I wish I could teleport
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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