It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
OK am i seriously the only one who thinks Cocaine Tuesdays is a bad idea?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
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