Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Someone signed my nipple.
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