I'd wear matching sweaters with you
just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
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