it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
you are never too drunk for berry picking
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
