Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
