As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
No. We can't get pedicures until my toenails grow back.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.