Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
