Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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