He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I have fence marks all over my body
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
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