He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
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on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
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i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
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