he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
