If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Randomize
