i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Randomize
