He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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