My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
