saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Randomize
