Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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