Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Randomize
