don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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