totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
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