She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
