I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I've had that scene from "Parenthood" where Rick Moranis' character is singing "Close To You" to his wife in classroom, stuck in my head all morning.
I guess my mind is just wondering whatever happened to Rick Mornais.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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