would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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