I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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