so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
