dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
