The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
