My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"
I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
