So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
