The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
