So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
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