I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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