It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I am passing the whore torch on to you my friend. Do me proud
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
