we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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