I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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