I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
