make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
