I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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