My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
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