I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
